He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
