i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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