We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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