i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
