a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My balls are so social today.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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