that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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