I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked my hip out of place.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize