Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
