Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
