my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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