i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
