I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
