You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
