Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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