in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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