I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
