I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
