But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
