Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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