I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
