she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
