Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
