Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
