My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I need to stop coming to work sober
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
