I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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