i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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