I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
