My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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