Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
