I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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