when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
