dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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