Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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