I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
