Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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