Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
