Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
