woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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