Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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