if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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