btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
