Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
