I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
