If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
