I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
