Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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