It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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