She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
