I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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