Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
