He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dignity is for republicans.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
