I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
