We won't sleep together?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
