Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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